Change is inevitable. It is also terrifying for someone like
me who likes to always be in control. But it seems this summer is going to be a
summer of changes, and they may not be slowing down anytime soon.
As someone who doesn’t like change, I chose the wrong
profession. Teachers are in control of their classrooms, but that’s about it.
Every year come May, I start wondering if before next year I will have to move
classrooms or not, if I will work with the same people next year or new people,
which grade level I will be teaching, etc. And this year is worse than ever as
my school is undergoing major change and becoming a new system, and I go back
and forth from feeling excited and optimistic about the possibilities for the
future, to wondering if I will even have a job.
And then last night the real bomb went off. My best friend
in this city is moving. Not just to a new city, but a new state. It was the
last straw, one change too many. And this is the worst type of change, because
I have no control over it, and it is not a professional loss, but a personal
one.
I feel like I am in mourning. What will become of our
friendship? She is wonderful and people love her wherever she goes, so I know
she will have no problem making friends in her new town. And I will be here,
left behind, and lonely. And over time, will she forget about me? Our kids were
supposed to grow up together. We were going to take trips with our families. This is not how it was supposed to be.
Not to mention my sadness for her as she is suddenly and unexpectedly
uprooted from the life she has made for herself here and dropped into a new
place where she knows no one.
I woke up sad this morning, and I couldn’t help it. I cried.
I called my husband to talk about it. I told him, I know it seems overdramatic
for me to be so sad. I mean, she is moving, not dying. We will still talk. I
mean, my mother’s best friends for as long as I can remember have lived in
other cities, and they are still very close.
His response was, “What are you clinging to?”
And I know he’s right. I should be clinging to God, not to
people, or at least more than people. And I need to let go of my need for
control and trust God’s plan. Maybe I will look back on this time in my life
and think, “Wow, I grew so much from that summer. Look how much God taught me
about depending on Him,” or whatever.
But right now, I don’t
really want to hear it. I just want to think about the sweet times I have spent
here with my friend, and how all that is changing, and how I can’t do anything
about it. And I just want to cry for a little while.
I don't think there's anything wrong with being sad about a friend moving away. You should be sad - it shows that you matter to each other, and that is a good and beautiful thing. You're incredibly lucky to have people in your life for whom it hurts to say goodbye. I think every change in life, big and small, needs a season of mourning, and maybe that will be your summer. My friend Beth says not to move too quickly out of grief, because a special kind of wisdom grows there.
ReplyDeleteAnd I definitely understand uncertainty about your career future! I'm right in the middle of it. I try to see the complete lack of direction in front of me as ENDLESS POTENTIAL instead of TERROR, but it doesn't always work. Recognizing that we're not in control is difficult and scary, and it's ok to cry through it. I love you, friend.